Ask Conscious Girlfriend

Georgia writes:

"How do I best communicate with my GF that I would like more connection and communication throughout the day without triggering a fight or annoyance? I feel her so distant that I feel almost like I’m single. She only does the obligatory “how was your day” texts because I spiraled after her barely talking to me after 24 hours.

"Her need to pull away and seek alone time is increasing and communication feels so little that it feels like she’s disinterested, but when I ask, she gets annoyed and says everything is fine, she still wants to be with me.

"She takes everything I say as conflict. She complains that I'm not being her peace. But meanwhile, she shoves everything under the rug, so our problems repeat. Even our routine of saying good morning, and goodnight is a chore to her. And when I expressed that she doesn’t even ask about my day or seem interested in my life anymore, she says I’m micromanaging her and making this about only what I want. What do I do?

"Our intimacy has dwindled to the point of only occurring when I ask for it, and am usually met with “I’m too tired; I have a headache/stomachache; don’t feel well/feel like it, etc.” It went from multiple times a day to barely once a week. I feel so disconnected from her on every front. Why is my relationship falling apart??"

My response:

Oh, Georgia, sweetie. You're in the anxious-avoidant dance. Your problem is not how to "best communicate your needs" to your GF. You are wayyy over-communicating your needs already, and it's driving her away and leading her to shut down. This is not a good scenario. STOP.

Your GF is making it abundantly clear that she doesn't want what you want the way you want it. Your effort to force it is destroying the relationship. You and she may or may not be compatible, depending on whether you are able to adapt to what she needs. But I can guarantee you that pressuring her for more connection, more texts, more deep conversation, more sex, etc., is not going to lead anywhere good.

In attachment language, we'd say you're stuck in "protest." When humans are infants and we have real, urgent needs, our only way to get them met is to cry... and to hope. The big people around us either take care of us, or they don't. If they don't, we're screwed. But you are a big person now. If this GF doesn't give you what you want, you've got choices and options. Your life belongs to you.

Here's what I recommend:

Accept the level of contact your GF wants, and pull way back yourself. Stop asking her for more connection. Find some good friends to text with frequently throughout the day. Make yourself busy. Fill up your life. That will either bring your GF back toward you, or make you realize you no longer need or want to be with her. Either way, you win.

Love,

Ruth

P.S. If you've ever been a "Georgia" -- or you've ever been the girlfriend of a Georgia -- you might wonder why we fall in love and then make each other miserable like this.

There is an innate healing potential in this "opposites attract" dance. But most of us never get to the healing. We just retraumatize ourselves and each other instead.

Want a different, better way? Come join us in the Lesbian Attachment Healing classes and our Tuesday night skills lab too, where we'll be exploring and practicing tools for working with our own and each other's attachment styles and states.