— Sex & Gender

Lesbian sexuality is beautiful and powerful. Unfortunately, you probably haven’t been given that message nearly often enough! So let me say it again. Lesbian sexuality is beautiful and powerful.

Yet most of us need support in experiencing that power. Here are 5 reasons why you may struggle to receive genuine pleasure in your sex life. (Hint: these have nothing to do with having anything physically wrong with you, or with being too old, too inexperienced, too fat or too thin.)

As my friend Arielle Brown says, "Pleasure is an inside game." But often we stay outside of ourselves when we're trying to have it -- for the reasons below.

1. You were never taught that it was okay to enjoy yourself sexually as a lesbian++ or queer person. In fact, most likely you were taught the opposite! Even though you may have reached a point where you don't cognitively believe there is anything wrong with sexuality in general or your sexuality in particular, shame lives in your body and can be easily awakened -- or can keep your pleasure asleep. Plus, if you were ever sexually abused, that adds more layers of shame.

2. You're judging yourself during sex, or even when you think about sex. You're afraid there's something wrong with your body, your responses, your level of pleasure, or how you touch. This keeps you in your head, and then you judge yourself for that, too. 

3. You're worried about not being able to pleasure your partner. If you haven't been with a lot of women, you think that's because you're inexperienced. If you have been with a lot of women, you think there's something wrong with you for still lacking confidence. Either way, it shuts you down. 

4. You’re moving too quickly into "sexual" touch, before your breasts or genitals really feel ready -- and then you're putting pressure on yourself and judging yourself (see a theme here?) You feel disconnected from yourself and from your partner, which makes sex feel mechanical or like an obligation. And then you feel bad about that, and your partner might, too -- which just complicates the matter further. So maybe you fake pleasure. Yes, lesbians++ do that, too, and it's understandable. But the sad part is, faking it just makes actual pleasure recede even further.

5.The dynamics that play out in your sexual fantasies aren't what you want in real life, or what you think is okay to want. Or, maybe you don't even let yourself fantasize. Either you don't know your erotic self all that well, or you've glimpsed it and felt uncomfortable... 

Guess what? All or some of these five factors affect most of us. But liberation is available. It's never too late (or too early.) You can learn to embrace your unique sexuality on deeper levels, and access more erotic pleasure, freedom and ease.

It's likely that the power of eros is a big part of what led you to come out as lesbian or queer to begin with. For many people, that means that the power of eros led you to move mountains in your life -- to do what otherwise would have felt too terrifying to even contemplate. That's a power to behold! And to strive to better understand. And to honor -- especially in a homophobic world that dishonors us. Because, as the visionary rabbi Hillel said, If I am not for myself, who will be for me?...If not now, when? 

Now, what if your (erotic) modem is, let's say, running at slow speeds, or not at all? Maybe you just can't connect?

I had this problem with my (internet) modem over the past few days, so it had me thinking. We kept losing our connection. Then we spoke with a very nice customer support agent who walked us through a process in a reassuring manner, but it didn't work. She then told us to get a new modem, and my GF made a special trip downtown to pick it up. But it still didn't solve the problem. We ended up getting a new internet service, and our fingers are crossed :) 

Maybe your erotic life has felt similar? Maybe you've done whatever you knew how to do, and it didn't work? 

Internet is mandatory for most of us these days, but Eros may seem as if it's optional, even a luxury. If you're single, you may think, "It's just as well to have less libido, because what's the point if I don't have a partner to enjoy sex with?" And women in relationships may think, "Well, this is just what happens over time."

But here's the thing. While technically we can survive without erotic pleasure, having that kind of aliveness is a major well-being boost. Sexual pleasure, orgasmic or not, reduces pain and stress. And who, these days, doesn't need less pain, less stress, and more bliss?! 

Yet lots of things get in our way. Loneliness, discomfort with aging or changing bodies, old messages that tell us it's shameful to touch ourselves, and so much more can keep us from the full erotic aliveness we actually need for emotional and physical health. 

Feeling more erotically connected to yourself will also help you find the right partner, if you're single and open. And if you're in a relationship, shared sexual pleasure -- again, with or without orgasm -- is also incredibly helpful for staying connected and keeping that special sparkle.

But how can you reconnect more to your erotic self right now? The most powerful thing you can do is give yourself some pleasure. While of course this can mean genital self-pleasure leading to orgasm, it doesn’t have to. A minute of massaging your own face, neck or breasts can bring about the release pleasure hormones that are just as relaxing as an hour of yoga!

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What Do You Do When You Get Triggered?

Getting triggered – having a big emotional reaction – is one of the biggest challenges in romantic relationships, and the main reason why relationships can sometimes be full of “drama” or exhausting, draining processing.

When you’re triggered, and something your GF has done leaves you feeling sad, scared or angry, it’s easy to lash out, shut down, get in a big fight, or experience mood-storms that interfere with connection. In fact, most breakups come about when one or usually both people are communicating in triggered states.

Why are triggers so dangerous to our relationships? Brain science gives us the answer. When the emotional center of the brain (also known as the amygdala) takes over, it actually hijacks the part of your brain that is capable of more complex thought, reason, empathy and curiosity (also known as the prefrontal cortex.)

The amygdala has a good reason for taking over. It moves you very rapidly into a  defense response to get you away from threat. Depending on your nervous system, you’ll most likely fight, freeze, faint, fawn (go into placating mode), or some combination. But, what you won’t be able to do is have a good conversation and actually work things out, no matter how hard you try.

It's life-saving to have our amygdalas take over when we are facing immediate danger.  If someone is coming at you with a knife, or there’s a snake coming toward you on your hiking trail, it’s not a good time to get compassionate, empathetic and curious. Instead, it’s really good to fight or flee or freeze. Your amygdala will protect you by making sure that happens long before your conscious mind even knows what’s going on.

But, if your girlfriend didn’t text you when she said she would, your amygdala may respond as if this, too, is a life-threatening situation – which will probably lead you to say or do things out of anger, fear or hurt, which you’ll later regret.

The SCORE Process teaches you how to avoid this by learning to downregulate your nervous system (also known as calming down and centering yourself), which will get you out of your amygdala response and back into the much larger capacities of your prefrontal cortext.

Here are the steps of SCORE. Warning: it sounds simple, but it’s not easy! When we are in the grip of a trigger, it is so tempting to react, lash out, or shut down. But using the SCORE Process is a real relationship-saver.

1)    S – Step back into yourself.

2)    C – Connect to yourself with compassion.

3)    O – Open to observe what you’re feeling

4)    R – Remember your responsibility for your own feelings, and Relinquish responsibility for anyone else’s feelings. Then, and only then, can you move on to the 5^th step:

5)    E – Experience empowered communication.

So, let’s say your GF didn’t text you. If you respond from a triggered place, you might send off a fiery text lambasting her for being so irresponsible. You might assume the worst and start shutting down inside. You might decide to leave her before she leaves you. You might get so hurt that it’s hard for you to enjoy being around her when you do get to see her again.  

But, if you went through the SCORE Process, you might realize that part of the reason why you’re having such a strong reaction actually stems from the past. Perhaps a previous GF lied to you. Or perhaps you had a parent who would often let you down when you counted on them.

There may be a perfectly reasonable explanation for why your GF didn’t text, yet your emotional brain will quickly assume the worst – “she doesn’t care about me,” “she’s dumping me,” “she’s having an affair,” “she’s thinking of breaking up with me” – and if you don’t Step back into yourself, Connect to yourself with compassion, and Open to observe your feelings, it will be very hard for you to respond to your GF with curiosity and compassion.

One of our wonderful community members came up with an acronym for the process she feels she (unconsciously) used before she learned the SCORE Process. She calls it the SCARED process. See if your recognize any of your own amygdala-driven thoughts here.

S.C.A.R.E.D Process vs. SCORE Process 

S: Something is going on and it's scaring me....I am very SCARED & I've thought about it a lot (while triggered) and made up lots of STORIES

C: I CONVINCE myself that I am absolutely correct in my story-telling AND I am COMPELLED to share my thinking with you:  the offending responsible party.

A: My Analysis makes me ANGRY. I'm ANGRY and now ANGRIER because....

R: I Believe, in fact I know for sure:  that I am REASONABLE and RIGHT about

YOUR part and I begin forming ideas about how you need to change (so I can be happier).

E: This is the part where I EDUCATE you from the University of myself (where I received My PHD in Blame), which entitles me to let you know what you need to do to be better and how you need to change to not hurt me anymore.

I unleash the above SCARE Tornado on you and blow the roof off our relationship, which brings us to:

D: A DEAD END- where I have effectively killed the relationship with my S.C.A.R.E.D tornado.  

Part of me is relieved, and part of me is very sad and wondering "What happened? Where did you go?”

If you see yourself in the above, give yourself a lot of compassion. Your amygdala is designed to try to keep you safe. And it’s great to have a lightning-fast amygdala response when you’re really in danger. But it won’t help you create or maintain the emotional intimacy you long for.

You also might see that one or more of your exes engaged in the SCARE process. This is heartbreaking. But, knowledge is power. Whether your ex or yourself has used SCARE instead of SCORE, new possibilities are available to you. 

The SCORE Process lets you take a trigger and work with it internally before launching in to a conversation that causes harm. For help learning this life-changing process, and many others, join the Conscious Girlfriend Academy!