Self-Compassion & Growth

"But I don't love myself," Donna said with tears in her eyes. "I know I'm supposed to, but I just don't. So it seems unfair when people tell me that until I love myself, I'm not going to be able to find a good relationship. Isn't it okay to just need love from someone else?"

I got where she was coming from. If loving yourself feels like an unimaginable state, a barrier you can't imagine overcoming, then does that mean you're stuck without love from anyone else, too?

Donna is in her 60s and is a survivor of a tough childhood and some very painful adult relationships. Although she can understand the idea of loving herself, and wish for it, these life experiences have made it hard for her to get there. She's clear she never wants an abusive relationship again. But she doesn't love herself. Does that mean she's stuck alone?  

That would be tragic!

So, let me debunk that myth. No, I don't believe you need to love yourself before someone else can love you. 

But, here's what I do believe: you have to have the capacity to let good love in. Otherwise, you can find someone who loves you, but the relationship will be a massive exercise in frustration and pain for both of you. 

Fortunately, there are simple practices anyone can do, to open this gateway to self-kindness and the ability to take kindness in from outside of you. 

Feel like you're your own worst enemy or harshest critic? Many women feel that way. The good news is, it can change. 

Your brain is not literally plastic. But you, like me and all of us, have neuroplasticity, meaning you are capable of learning, and as you learn, your brain will literally re-shape itself. Neural pathways will develop, like trails being cut through the woods. And the more you use those trails, the easier it will be to walk on them.